If I Was Your Coach

Millionaire Needs a Lesson in Trust

Heidi Frei — Fri, 08 May 2009 05:29:18 +0000

Single millionaires hire Patti Stanger to find their soul mates, love of their lives or trophy wives. She introduces them to a group of men or women that she thinks are perfect matches for them. From that group, the millionaire chooses one to go on a date with.

On tonight’s episode, the bachelor was Anthony, a man that claims to have had his heart broken and doesn’t trust others easily. He has some concerns that his date is only interested in his money, so he lies to her and says he isn’t rich and has a gambling problem. He shows her a place he claims to live in that looks a mess, and his bedroom consists of an air mattress. His date says she doesn’t care if he doesn’t have money. Then he reveals that he really is a millionaire and that it was all just a test. If I was Anthony’s coach, I would look into his trust issues and ask:

What are you afraid of?
Is it a real fear?
Is it worth hanging onto that fear?
What are you missing out on by not trusting others?
Do you trust yourself?
What can you do to build more trust with yourself?
Why do you test people?
Do you really want people to pass your tests?
How do you think people feel when you test them?
How can you build trust with others?

Until Anthony works on these trust issues, he will never be able to trust himself or others and they won’t be able to trust him.

If you would like to learn more about how coaching can help you, go to http://www.heidifrei.com.

Susan Boyle Doesn’t Need to Change – A Lesson in Judgments

Heidi Frei — Sat, 18 Apr 2009 03:19:53 +0000

Susan Boyle

You have probably all seen a clip on TV or YouTube of Susan Boyle, the Scottish woman who tried out on Britain’s Got Talent, and blew the judges and audience away with her beautiful voice. If not, check it out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxPZh4AnWyk.

In this situation, I would say it is the public that needs the coaching. Why did everyone assume she would be a bad singer?

Think about what judgments you make.
Are these judgments holding you back from getting to know people better?
Are these judgments keeping you from meeting your life partner, a great friend or business contact?
What judgments are you making about yourself?
What opportunities are you avoiding because you don’t think you are good enough?

If I was Susan’s coach, I would be very proud of her for standing up for herself and not changing because others tell her she should. Don’t let anyone “should” on you.

Going forward, I hope she takes the time to think about what she wants to achieve and how she can help others find the courage to reach for their dreams.

If you are interested in making some changes in your life, please contact me to set up a coaching session. I will help you get clear about what you want out of life, remove the roadblocks and reach your dreams. Please go to http://www.heidifrei.com for more information.

Officer Robert Powell Takes Power to a Low Level with Ryan Moats

Heidi Frei — Sat, 28 Mar 2009 02:26:02 +0000

Many of you have probably seen the disturbing video of NFL player Ryan Moats being pulled over by Dallas Police Officer Robert Powell. Moats allegedly ran a red light on the way to the hospital where his mother-in-law was near death. Officer Powell followed him to the parking lot. Moats had his emergency flashers going to indicate distress. After being pulled over at the hospital, Moats told the officer that his mother-in-law was dying and they needed to get to the hospital right away. The officer showed no compassion and held Moats in the parking lot for 13 minutes while continually threatening him with what he could do to him. It is very obvious Officer Powell has some issues that he needs to deal with to help him make better decisions and be more empathetic with others. If I were his coach, I would ask him:

Have you ever had a time in your life when you had to do something you wouldn’t normally do to help someone? (to help him see why Moats did what he did and to see that it is human nature)
When you realized that Moats was entering the hospital, what did you think was happening? Did it enter your mind that someone was having a medical emergency?
Could you put yourself in his shoes for a minute? How would you react to the situation Moats was facing? How would you expect a normal, caring person would react when they find out their mother-in-law is near death?
Why did you feel it was necessary to threaten him?
Where do you feel powerless in your life? (usually people that feel powerless in their personal lives, exert power at work)
Did something happen in your life that made you react the way you did? (Did he have a flashback to an incident that causes him to be more cautious?)
Is there something going on in your life right now that is affecting your ability to be empathetic with others? (Did he have a bad day? Did someone pull a gun on him recently? A number of factors could have contributed to the irrational behavior)
Looking back, how would you handle the situation differently?
What can you do today to move forward in a positive direction?

Tara Feels Like the Biggest Loser

Heidi Frei — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 04:27:41 +0000

Tara Costa is the person to beat in this season’s Biggest Loser. Tara has shown determination and athletic ability in all of the challenges. On the most recent episode, though, Tara showed her vulnerable side. On one of the challenges, all of the participants were able to add weight to other players’ scales that would be used in an immunity challenge. It was assumed that more weight would make the challenge more difficult for the players. Tara watched as other players loaded her scale up. She started to get upset and said she felt like everyone was ganging up on her. Her teammate tried to lift her spirits and said that she shouldn’t let it bother her.

If I was Tara’s coach, I would ask her:

Why do you think the other players loaded up your scale? (If she said that they were ganging up on her and were mean, I would follow up and ask her if she felt that was really true or if there might be another possibility to help her see for herself that the real reason is that they feel she is a threat to win.)
Are there other areas in your life that you feel like people are ganging up on you or picking on you?
What do you when you feel that people are picking on you? (This could be the reason for her unhealthy eating patterns)
Is there another way you could respond when you feel picked on? (come up with some healthy ways to respond to difficult situations)
Are you allowing others to control your confidence in yourself?

Tara was able to pull herself together and put all of her energy into the challenge, and she won immunity. She had the ability inside of herself to win the challenge regardless of the roadblocks people tried to put in her way. The answers are always within.

Nadya Suleman – What’s Best for Your Children?

Heidi Frei — Tue, 24 Mar 2009 03:03:32 +0000

Nadya Suleman with one of her babies. Photo by Nancy Pastor/Polaris

If Nadya Suleman was my client, I would first recommend that she go to a psychiatrist, since it appears that she needs services that are beyond what a coach is trained to do and she is in need a psychiatric evaluation. This does not mean Dr. Phil, since that is about being on TV, not getting help. After getting this help, I would then work with her on some of the issues she is facing moving forward and how she can prepare for her new life as a mother of 14 children. Some of the questions I would ask her are:

What are you missing in your life that you feel the children will give you?
How could you give that love to yourself?
How can you show love to your children?
What are you willing to give up to make your children’s lives better?
How do you think the national exposure has affected your life?
Do you think it is best for you and your children’s emotional health to continue to appear on national TV?
How are you dealing with the negative comments from strangers?
How are you preparing yourself for the children to come home?
How are you preparing your children for the arrival of their eight new siblings?
What will you do to make sure every child feels special?
Do you believe in your heart of hearts that you have the ability to raise 14 children?
Are you willing to ask for help and accept help from others that have your children’s best interests at heart?

She has a tough road ahead of her, and it looks like there is a lot of negative energy sent her way from the public. In coaching, there is usually a lot of focus on what is best for yourself. In this scenario, Nadya must think about the effect her actions will have on 14 little ones.

Bethenny Frankel from Real Housewives of New York City

Heidi Frei — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 03:48:03 +0000

I was watching an episode of the Real Housewives of New York City. Bethenny Frankel was photographed for a cover of a magazine. She was excited about being on the cover and was telling her friend LuAnn de Lesseps about it. LuAnn is a former model and right away said, “Are they going to airbrush it.” Bethenny was very offended by this comment and felt it was rude.

Bethenny knew she had to address this with her friend. She invited her to lunch to talk about it. In a nice, calm manner Bethenny let LuAnn know how much it hurt her. LuAnn tried to tell her that she didn’t say that right away and that it was just because she was in the modeling business that she suggested it. She got very defensive, which bothered Bethenny even more. Bethenny tried to continue to explain how hurt she was by this comment, but LuAnn wasn’t getting it. Bethenny just gave up and pretended everything was okay, but she was really still fuming.

I think Bethenny did the right thing by letting her friend know how she felt rather than bottling it up. But in the end, she still felt the same as she did before talking to her friend.

It is clear Bethenny wasn’t going to get LuAnn to understand her pain or apologize in a way that would make her happy.

I would ask Bethenny:

What would make you feel better about what happened? (She would probably say that if LuAnn apologized genuinely, she would be satisfied)
Did she apologize? (No)
Can you make her apologize? (No, we can’t make anyone do anything)
Are you willing to accept LuAnn for who she is? (Even if she sometimes hurts your feelings)
Are you giving her too much power over your emotions?
If you feel she is trying to hurt you, is this someone you want as a friend?

There are some things that we know we can’t change about someone, and we know they aren’t willing to change. We need to decide if it is something we can live with and just accept about them. If we decide that we can, we must control our emotions when they do those things that we don’t like. We will eventually realize that getting frustrated or angry is not helping the situation and could actually be making us sick. How much could we gain by just accepting people as they are? If we feel that this isn’t something we can live with, we must decide if we want to terminate or limit the relationship, since changing them is not an option.